


Beyond The Fraying Of Nerves

by beetlesandstars



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Sirius Black, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Teenage Dorks, Werewolf Remus Lupin, mostly internalised but still, soft fic otherwise lads, warning for homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beetlesandstars/pseuds/beetlesandstars
Summary: "There's no girl." Gods! Remus didn't know if he could do this - the fear and trepidation might very well kill him."Oh?" Sirius's hands stopped fiddling. His eyes stopped having that slightly glazed-over look about them, and every single ounce of scrutiny he had in him landed on Remus.A pause. And -"Then what's on your mind?"
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	Beyond The Fraying Of Nerves

**Author's Note:**

> I found this little draft from a hundred years ago in my google docs and decided it had to be posted because - and let me tell you it's hard to please me but - I genuinely laughed, reading this. It's my style of writing, sure, but the bitch who wrote it was miles funnier than me. 
> 
> Sidenote: I wrote this during a time I was being bullied for being queer, so a lot of the harsh things said are direct reflections of my own experiences, so you know. Good to have on record that I'm not exaggerating anything. I was Suffering. All better now though! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Remus was very well acquainted to panic. The very first time he'd turned - into that monstrous thing - panic had become nothing short of second nature to him. 

Today, his heart was riddled with an entirely different kind of panic. Today, Remus was going to sit the long-haired twat of a boy down and tell him the truth. 

Sirius and Remus were in their 7th year, and Remus had, for the majority of 6th year, worried about running out of time. So, with his heart hanging heavy in his chest, he had asked Sirius to meet him at The Three Broomsticks at 8:30 p.m on Friday - and he was to come _alone_. All too many times had Peter or James barged in just in time for Remus to lose his nerve. Today, he refused to let those two attention-craving rats ruin his night. 

Remus had pondered the many different ways he could admit to Sirius how painfully _in love_ he was with him, and most scenarios had ended with the love of his life being serenaded with all sorts of love potions and banned spells. Because what if ... _what_ _if_ Sirius reacted horribly? 

Yes, Sirius was his best friend - his closest friend, even before James - but that mightn't count for anything once Remus' big secret was out. _That he was in love with a boy_. Remus could almost imagine the conversation taking place. 

_"A puff?_ You _? Remus John Lupin - a bloody cock-sucker!"_

In his mind there were very, very few positive alternatives. _  
_

8:27 p.m, and Remus arrived at The Three Broomsticks. He had put on his usual winter attire; muggle motorcycle boots he'd received as a gift from none other than Sirius Black, his woollen winter jacket, and his well-worn uniform trousers. He didn't really have a large budget to spend this close to Christmas. 

Quite without thought, Remus drifted to the table with two chairs near the window. Sirius had always preferred watching the snow come down during the long months of wintertime. 

Whether it was up to Remus being not only lanky, but freakishly skinny, or up to the fact that Remus' socks were thoroughly soaked, he really was freezing. And so, despite his nerves and worries, he got up and ordered two Butterbeers. Normally, he wouldn't risk buying Sirius anything before he'd actually shown up, because he was rather horrible at doing that - showing up on time or at all. No, Sirius was not particularly well-known for his punctual meetings with friends and/or potential lovers. But perhaps he'd keep to his promise to meet Remus at The Three Broomsticks just this once because ... well, Remus _had_ sounded rather distressed. 

_Potential lovers_. Remus nearly dropped the two Butterbeers before hastily righting himself and marching over to his table. Those two words echoed around in his head as though it was made of nothing more than an empty bowl. How absolutely mad to so much as consider such a ridiculous possibility! Sirius-bloody-Black was a recalcitrant eighteen-year-old who had the attention span of a toddler! 

Having had his attention firmly on the drink he had in hand, he jumped considerably when a hand thumped him on the back. 

"You came," Remus blurted before he had a chance to gather himself. 

Sirius, with his smug, smug grin, had the audacity to laugh. "'Course I did! Name one time I didn't." 

"Well, for starters -" started Remus, but Sirius glared at him, so he shut up, because he really would rather not be on Sirius Black's To-Kill-Along-With-My-Bastard-Family list. Remus pushed the second mug of Butterbeer towards Sirius, and the boy caught it thanks to a swift maneuver. 

Already, Remus could see Sirius' attention slipping from him. At the moment he was eyeing Remus' drink, as if it were any different from his own. 

Remus couldn't keep the grin from his voice as he said, "What?" 

Way too self-assured, Sirius asked, "might I sneak a taste of your drink?" 

Remus sighed, but didn't bother wiping his face clean of the smile. "Why?" 

"I just _really_ want to have a taste." 

"Mate, I ordered the exact same drink for you. Here - take a look -" 

"Oh, sod off," snipped Sirius as Remus (very childishly) tried to show him the mug's inner contents. Continuing with a horribly-concealed smirk on his face, Sirius shrugged. "It always tastes better when it's not your own." He pouted. "But I see your perverse decision not to cooperate holds good, so - I might as well - snag it." 

And snag it he did. In one coordinated swipe. And Remus did nothing more than scowl at this impossibly handsome boy. 

Sirius took a hearty swig of the beverage, and Remus tried to keep his eyes from Sirius' bottom lip jutting out from beneath the mug, but _gods_ \- how could he possibly deny himself such a wonderful image? With a giddy grin loosely on his face, Sirius put the mug down and met Remus' eyes with an all too intense emotion brooding. 

"Happy?" asked Remus. Sirius nodded - almost in a drunken manner - and puffed his cheeks up like a kid. 

Quite uncomfortably, Remus realised it was now or never. He would keep putting it off for the rest of the night if he didn't rip the admission out of himself like a plaster. "Listen, Sirius..." 

Having noticed the sudden change in both pace and mood, Sirius sunk back into his chair, slightly more relaxed. 

Remus couldn't stop smiling awkwardly at what he was about to say, and what it could mean for him and Sirius, and the image of how James would react, and Peter - poor, poor Peter who probably hadn't even heard of homosexuality. "Mate - I - I happen to be a bit of an abomination you see, and -" 

"I reckon being a werewolf's more of a perk really, but -" 

"No, I'm not talking about that." Remus shut his eyes for a long moment. His heart hammered so hard he wouldn't be surprised if Sirius could hear it from where he sat. 

"Ooh!" exclaimed Sirius, apparently losing track of the seriousness of the situation - as if he couldn't feel the momentous changes unravelling. "And who might you have snared on your hook, loverboy? Better not be Alice, heard that other git finally worked up to courage to ask her out. Bet he'd be heartbroken." 

"No," said Remus curtly. 

"Ah, Moony, don't be short with me. Didn't mean any offense, old friend." 

"There's no girl." _Gods!_ Remus didn't know if he could do this - the fear and trepidation might very well kill him. 

"Oh?" Sirius's hands stopped fiddling. His eyes stopped having that slightly glazed-over look about them, and every single ounce of scrutiny he had in him landed on Remus. 

Pause. 

"Then what's on your mind?" 

"There's ... there's this - this boy, you see." 

"Nobody's hurt you, right?" Sirius nearly surged upwards. "'Cause I swear, I'll kill him." 

"No, no - Merlin - not at all. There's ... there's a _boy_ , Sirius." 

Gods above, Remus was turning _red_. How embarrassing. 

Sirius huffed, leaning back in the chair again. "What do you mean? You're being rather cryptic, y'know." 

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, feeling rather silly as he felt his eyes sting from the well of emotion bubbling over. "A boy. I'm rather smitten with him, and I'm not even sure if he knows." 

The pause was unbearable. Sirius sat completely still, an unreadable emotion on his face, and Remus tried - he really did - to suppress the tears of grief for this - for the way Sirius was looking blanked on what to say - but he couldn't, and quicker than a lightning storm, Remus John Lupin was crying. 

"Oh, bloody _hell_ , Remus." 

"I'm sorry." His voice was so quiet he wasn't sure if Sirius had even heard him. Within five seconds, Sirius had downed his entire mug of Butterbeer. 

Sirius muttered, "fancy another drink?" and got up, abandoning Remus. It was rather hard to see through the tears spilling from his eyes like rapid waterfalls, but he spotted Sirius strut up to the bartender, holding up two fingers. Another minute passed, and Remus still couldn't stop crying. If anything, he'd started shaking, too. But Sirius returned, this time holding two very alcoholic Firewiskeys, and gods, Remus was thankful. 

"I'm sorry, Padfoot." 

Sirius wasn't looking at Remus. He looked to be having an inner monologue with himself, but Remus really didn't need that right now - he needed a friend - someone to count on - someone to say _it's okay_. 

"Stop your crying for a minute, won't you?" mumbled Sirius brusquely. Remus ignored the sting, the blow right to his heart at the offhanded request. After a long few moments of sighing and palm-to-eye movements, Remus managed to bottle up his overwhelming emotions. If only for a little bit. 

"You're very dramatic, you know," said Sirius gruffly, pulling on his leather jacket's zipper, eyes cast downwards. 

Though his lips were trembling, Remus parted his mouth and spoke. "Dra - _dramatic_?" 

Sirius nodded, a tiny, tiny smile threatening to curve his lips upwards ever so slightly. 

"Rather be that than obtuse. Which I reckon I've just been anyway, a little bit," said Remus humorously, the pain and hindrance inside of him easing a little. Sirius pouted, but his eyebrows didn't furrow, so maybe he was returning the camaraderie, albeit very subtly. 

"Would it..." started Sirius, a long sigh escaping him. His eyes glittered in the candlelight, and Remus dared not move a muscle lest he silence the boy. "Would it be shocking if I were to admit that - that I've always had a certain appeal for boys, too?" 

Remus, who had been clutching his half-finished butterbeer tightly, promptly threw the beverage at Sirius' face. 

A moment of utterly defeaning silence. Then -

"WHY - _WHY_ IN _MERLIN'S_ BLOODY _BALLSACK_ DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" 

"I PANICKED!" 

Sirius, shaken out of his sudden willingness to discuss his own sexual preferences, stormed out of the bar before Remus had a chance to apologise. With a dozen eyes on him, all belonging to concerned witches and wizards, Remus sighed and thumped his forehead against the table, relishing in the pain that jolted through him. 

_Well. Merlin's bloody ballsack indeed_ , he thought bitterly. 

**Author's Note:**

> And they chat it out, fall in love, and live happily ever after, and James doesn't care, and Peter is oblivious up until the day he dies because he's Just Like That, the end. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :D 
> 
> It'd totally make my day if you left a crumb of kudos or a little comment or something, I'm a little emotional now with this bloody virus keeping us all inside and more than starving for attention. 
> 
> Hope you liked it, lovelies!!


End file.
